Legend of Drunken Chocobo
by Lakupo
Summary: After riding a wonky Chocobo, Tidus discovers how the Chocobo Trainer manages to win so much.


**Legend of Drunken Chocobo Master**  
  


The chocobo trainer looked out over the sprawling green plains known as the Calm Lands. Her eyes followed the pits and scars in the ground from the many battles between Summoners and Sin through centuries past, tracing the lines until she was staring out across the great Scar, and into the sky.

"Hey," a familiar shrill voice called out from behind her, breaking her out of her trance.

The trainer pulled on the reigns of her chocobo lightly, and the giant yellow bird turned around swiftly. She recognized the blonde haired youth in front of her immediately. "Ah, my best apprentice. Come to race again?"

Tidus scratched the back of his head and chuckled a little bit. "Aw, I'm not that good, those chocobos of yours are pretty wild. But yeah, I'm ready to try again... I'm ready to win!" He pumped his fist as talked.

"Alright, let me get the course ready and find you a chocobo," she said as she tapped the chocobo's side with her foot and dashed off down the hill. Tidus remained where he was, and stared off into the distance as he waited. A few minutes later, the trainer had put out the balloons and returned with a rather disoriented looking chocobo in tow behind her.

"Hey, is he okay?" Tidus said as pointed at the swaying chocobo.

"Ah, he's fine, he's just getting used to the sunlight," she smiled and led the riderless bird up to Tidus as it staggered along.

Tidus shrugged and mounted the chocobo. "Well, if you say so. Let's go!" Tidus and the trainer got into position, and her assistant starting counting down from three.

"3... 2... 1... GO!"

The race started and the trainer quickly took the lead, her chocobo popping the balloons with its beak as she went along. Tidus tried to pass her by going straight for the turn and bypassing the balloons, but the chocobo resisted going in a straight line as much as possible. "Hey! I thought we already did Wobbly Chocobo!" Tidus yelled. As they rounded the corner, Tidus noticed the chocobo trainer quickly blowing on a small whistle, but he couldn't hear any sound from it.

They were now in the second leg of the race, and with more open space to roam, Tidus' chocobo was all over the place, while the trainer smoothly glided from one balloon to another. Moments later, dozens of blue birds flew down from the cliff above... she narrowly missed a couple, but wasn't quick enough to miss the last one headed her way. Meanwhile, Tidus was hit repeatedly by several birds and lagged further even behind than before.

In the final run towards the finish line at the end of the Calm Lands, more birds flew up from the canyon, and again the trainer managed to avoid most of them by giving her chocobo simple directions. Tidus' bird was still being somewhat unruly, veering off in multiple directions, paying no heed to the incoming birds. As fast as he tried to make the chocobo go, it seemed to be too out of it to even take a leisurely walk, let alone race. He passed the finish line several seconds later than the trainer, and was greeted by a chirping chocobo and its rider.

"Better luck next time, eh?" The chocobo trainer smiled and rode off.

Tidus nodded his head and got off of his chocobo and started to walk off but he couldn't get his mind off of how weird his chocobo acted. _It's not fair! Something was wrong with that chocobo!_ Tidus remembered Yuna's words... _Will yelling help this time? No. Yes. No..._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

-------------

A few days later, Tidus returned to the Calm Lands, determined to find out the chocobo trainer's secret. Leaving the main group to rest at the travel agency, Tidus walked over to the Chocobo Trainer, who was on her chocobo a few meters away.

"Back so soon? Ready to race again?" the chocobo trainer said.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Tidus said as he pumped his fist.

As the chocobo trainer rode off towards the little alcove where she kept some of her chocobos, Tidus decided to sneak up behind her and figure out what she was up to. Rounding the corner that hid the chocobos from view, he was shocked to see what the chocobo trainer was doing. She stood there holding a Sake bottle like Auron's up to the giant bird's beak, forcing it to drink as much as possible. "Hey! What are you doing?!" Tidus yelled as he ran up to the trainer.

"Ack! What are you doing back here?" She quickly tried to hide the bottle behind the chocobo, but Tidus could still easily see it.

"Is that the chocobo you were gonna have me ride?"

The trainer looked down and sighed. "Yes," she said.

Tidus crossed his arms and stared at the trainer angrily. "Have you been doing this to the chocobo every time I come to race you? Is that why he's been so hard to control? He's actually drunk?"

She sighed again. "Yes, he's drunk."

The chocobo hiccuped a little, then chirped. "Kweeehhh!"

Wakka appeared out of nowhere and frowned. "For Yevon's Sake, give me a break, ya? Is there nothing left in Spira that's not rigged and fake?"

"Well, there's still Blitzball," Tidus said.

"I guess you're right, brudda. Carry on, ya?" Wakka gave Tidus a pat on the back and walked off to return to the rest of the group.

Tidus looked at the despondent trainer now sitting on the ground. "Why'd you do it?"

"So many people come here from Bevelle trying to race me and claim the title of best chocobo trainer in the world. You were the first person to give me any real competition -- I had to do something to keep my title! This is all I know! Chocobos are my life! So to keep you from winning, I had to take extreme measures to slow you down," her voice started to crack as she went on.

"Hey, I don't mean to take your title or anything, I was just hoping I could win that Sun Sigil of yours," Tidus pointed at the round shining medallion hanging around her neck.

She grabbed it in her hand and looked at it. "This old thing? Sure, you can have it... the least I can do after all I put you through." She pulled it over her neck and handed it to Tidus. "I feel so petty. I'm sorry."

Tidus took it into his hand. "It's alright -- just don't do it again, okay?" She nodded profusely as Tidus walked back to the Travel Agency.

_~fin_

_Author's Notes: The inspiration for this came from 40 minutes of trying to get 0:0:0 in the Chocobo Race... it was the only plausible explanation for the Chocobo's exceptionally poor handling. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, my favorite part is where Wakka shows up. Although the inebriated Chocobo is also amusing. Thanks for reading!_


End file.
